ORTIGOZA: Embalmer talks about a dead hunchback

August 14, 2016 at 10:09 pm Leave a comment

For several weeks already I’ve been strutting with gusto my gab, er, chatter on “talk radio”
as a co-anchor of a morning broadcast opened by Eagle’s Jack Walsh’s rock piece “Life in a Fast Lane”.
In my early endeavors, I invited public officials like Pangasinan second district Representative Pol Bataoil, Dagupan City Mayor Belen T. Fernandez, local government unit officials and even heads of private industries like the Information Technology and Business Process Management (IT-BPM).
It’s a self-learning experience. For example, I just learned in my research before I faced my guest that the ICT-BPM is a $25 billion for this year business.
 Thanks to our cheap and American English proficient labor force, the Indians who used to reign over this industry is literally biting the dust from us Flips, er, Filipinos 
“That $25 billion is almost near the $28 billion remittances yearly sent by our 2.4 million overseas contract workers (results from the 2015 Survey),” I quipped when  Wilson Manalo, vice president of ICT Council in Dagupan City, told me about the 2016 revenue projection in our country from ICT-BPM.
This “Sunshine Industry” that presently employed more than a million Filipinos is projected to generate up to $55 billion by 2020 or roughly 11 percent of the country’s Gross Domestic Product (GDP), according to World Bank estimates.
The ICT-BPO jibes with Dagupan City’s Mayor Belen Fernandez’ three growth areas program where the mayor wanted to snare 5,000 jobs in three years for the people in and outside of the burgeoning city to have jobs as animators, call center agents, software developers, game developers, engineering designers, and medical transcriptionists.
Even the Pangasinan’s provincial government and Mangaldan’s local government unit, as I monitored in media outlets, want to emulate Mayor Fernandez who positions the city as haven for IT-BPM.
Many of our radio interviews were simultaneously videoed through social media’s Face Book live feed so more people could watch or listen to the program.
Lately, I and Audrey Hidalgo had a series of interviews with the city’s hottest band Les Five, an undertaker, and an embalmer — the last two were timed after the spate of killings of narcotic peddlers by the police and death squads.
I was looking forward to interview, too, midgets or ‘dwarfs,  gays with big implanted boobs, labandera (laundry hand washers), other queer individuals.
I plan to discuss with them how they live, their priorities in life, others.
I even sang the Eagle’s piece “Desperado” in that radio and video program after Les Five rendered Fra Lippo Lippi’s “Stiches and Burns” and Apo Hiking Society’s “When I Met You”.
As I posted the kind of program we were foisting to the amused listeners and watchers at FB from various places in the world, Michelle Zarate Liaonag, a lady of class and substance and owner of the music bar Rag Time, commented to me at FB:
“There is variety! Great concept! You can tackle anything under the sun whether it is current issues, lifestyle or what have you.”
Here’s one of the excerpts of our interview with embalmer Robbie Undang, who embalmed more than a thousand cadavers, and Andy Abalos, another embalmer, mortician, and proprietor of the bigger Abalos Funeral Parlor in Dagupan City.
ME: May experience na ba kayo Andy na ang namatay ay kuba o hunchback?
ANDY:  Opo.

ME: Paano ang siste, ang kahoy ng kabaong sa likod ng kuba i-ku-kuba rin?

ANDY: Iyong pagka kuba naayos naman po, pero ang sitwasyon niya ganoon na rin.
ME: Ipapatagilid ninyo ang bangkay? Kung saan ang salamin ng kuba nasa gilid din?
ANDY: Ay hinde ho! Kasi iyong higaan ng kuba sa coffin iyon naman ang iaayos natin.
AUDREY: Parang platform?
ANDY: Parang (foam na) kama. Kamang merong butas sa bandang likod  para maisuksok ang bukol ng kuba ha, ha, ha!!
Then I told the mortician Andy and embalmer Rob about the story of a dead Jonathan Tambok (not Jonathan Tandoc who is the publisher of the Regional Examiner Newspaper).
While examining the body of Mr. Tambok, the embalmer noticed that the corpse had the largest penis he had ever seen.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Tambok,” the embalmer said, “But I would not allow you to be cremated without the people seeing you having the biggest male organ the Filipino race have ever seen” he whispered near the ear of the deceased.
Then the embalmer cut the biggest penis in the archipelago, placed it in a jar, closed it and put the jar in his knapsack. When he got home, he decided to show it to his wife Berta.
“I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said, removing the jar from his knapsack and showed the biggest seven inches organ the proud Filipino race would crow to the world.
“Oh my God!” she screamed, “Jonathan Tambok is dead!”


Entry filed under: News.

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